The Most Dangerous Dumbest Game
by Punishment Prez
Summary: My version of a parody on "The Most Dangerous Game" by Richard Connell. Wow. A little pinch of yaoi/shonen-ai. *yays* Attempt a humor and so forth. RE- EDITED Yes, LeonxLuis
1. Chapter 1: Love Wrecked!

?!?: READY? I just recently heard of the story based from story, so enjoy.

**Chapter 1:** _Love Wrecked!_

Leon S. Kennedy was on a grand yacht. Of course, he wasn't enjoying himself; his damn retart of a President (yes retart) 'invited' the man to a night of one of his grand political thingies in which Leon was used as a prized trophy. The President was actually off somewhere bragging about how he was such a wonderful war hero...

It was getting to the point of so much sorrow that-

"Hi Leon! ISN'T THIS GREAT! We have party and you get come. Let's go somewhere private!" Damn!!! "Uhh, I'd rather not Ashley," Leon didn't wanna go anywhere with u.g.l.y.

"Come," she grabbed him by the arm, a little too strong than natural. She steered (or dragged) the man up onto the deck, starboard,or whatever. As soon as his foot made it on the lonely topped steps, Leon had a plan.

"Hey, uh Ashley..."The young girl immediately gave him her full attention. "Yes Le-Le?" EWWWWW, did she give him a nickname? Was what he wanted to say."You know what would make this more romantic?" Her eyes widened. "Is if you bring out a radio, a Ginuwine CD, two wine glasses, and a bottle of Chardonnay!" Yes Leon, whatever you want!"She ran off.

_/Well, at least everyone is gone, it'll take her forever to get those things.../_ **"AHHHHHHHH!!! I WISH I WAS THROWN OVER BOARD!!!" **Leon yelled...to no one in particular. There was a sudden turbulence in the waters. Since Leon was so close to the railing, the suddenly big bump of something flew him over the boat. He crashed against the cold waves in the night. "Help! Help, Ashley you dips*ht come backkkk!!!" The yacht had to be over 40 yards gone by now.

"Well thank the Lord, an island!" Yes! In the dimming daylight, Leon had spotted a not-so-far off land. "Either I stay here to get saved, or swim for help there?" It only took Leon a few seconds to decide.

"Le-Le? Where are you? Don't you hide for me...I even found this Ginuwine CD like you asked." Silence. Ashely put the CD in the radio. "See Leon, Come out to pla-ayy!" She continued to search while the CD played:

Ginuwine:

_I'm just a dancer, lookin' for a partner..._

_Someone who knows how to ride..._

_Without even falling off_

_Gotta be compatible_

_Takes me to my limits_

_Girl when I break you off_

Leon could have sworn he heard Ginuwine on his favorite mix CD, too bad he didn't have it. _/Well, it's not like someone likes you, except bird-brains like her.../_ Aww, Le-Le was so sad... He knew what would cheer him up: to the swim to the island!

_I promise you won't wanna get off!_

_You're horny, let's do it!_

_Ride it, my pony_

_My saddles waitin'_

_Come and...Jump on it!_

?!?: Hah! I was like three when that song came out, ohhh-whee! Leon is a freak...

Leon: Me? What about you, you put the song on here!

?!?: Yeah, tough cookie Leon! You and your abandonment issues.

Leon: Shut up! Must I kill you again!

?!?: Um, no?

?!?: Anyways, Let's move on to the next chapter!

President: When the fuck did we get ice cream?!

?!?: When the hell did you get in here?

Leon: President Sir, we didn't have ice cream...

President: Fuck the both of you! I want some Trix Dammmit!

?!? Another lemmiwinks on our hands...

Leon: Story of my life part 2...


	2. Chapter 2 : Chips Ahoy Arrival!

?!?: I just realized that during this story, I don't have much to say...Oh yeah! No yuri or essence yet, no LeonxAshely (damn right!), and one yaoi pairing...(keep going) Stop interrupting me!

Luis: Hey, don't look at me!

?!?: That's all.

President: Since its Halloween, can I have candy?

Luis: Halloween was over 5 days ago, and why are you asking us, you're the president! *?!? whispers to him*

Luis: Ohhh, so he's a dee dee dee! We're having a long day.

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Chapter 2: Chips Ahoy Arrival!

After singing the chorus of Pony for nearly the 20th time, Leon reached the shore.

"Damn am I sore...I wish I had a pony to kill and eat." /I'm never singing that song again.../

Although it was almost pitch-black, Leon spotted a rock. But not just any rock. "Why the hell is blood on this rock, a big one splash too, maybe someone really killed a pony..." He walked off in the left direction of the rock. "What the hell, why would someone use .22 caliber bullets to take down a pony?" This island is weird alright.

He started walking through the thick plants and vegetation and crap. Unexpectantly, he came across a mansion like villa, Scarface lives here?!? Maybe not, but Leon walked up to the door anyways.

A giant man with an equally sized beard came to the door. "What do you want?" He commanded of Leon. "Hello, uh, my name is Leon Kennedy and I kinda fell off a boat a little ways from here," The man just stared. Leon continued. "Listen, I'm starving, cold, and wet. Is it alright if I come in and-" "Mr. Cheese, please let our guest in," said a smooth voice beyond the door."

A little man appeared. He looked like a reject child of Ben Franklin and Leprechaun had a child. Damn, that's f^cked up. "Chips Ahoy new comer!" Leon didn't know why he said Chips Ahoy, neither did he care. He was hungry. "Dear Mr. Kennedy, forgive Mr. Cheese's impudence, for you see, he's a dee dee dee."

???"No-no problem." "Won't you come in, get you out of those wet clothes." Awkward. "Alright...But what's your name?" The short man chuckled. "Just call me Salazar..."

*&*

Leon came out of his over comfortable bedroom overly dressed in a black tuxedo overly hungry. He reached the dining room, after almost getting lost twice. He was greeted by Salazar.

"Ohh, yes. It fits you perfectly." "I hope you don't mind me asking, why do you have clothes in my size?" Salazar only laughed at his question. "Please, sit. The first course should be coming soon, for now we have appetizers." Hold on, I think they had some filet mignon and expensive wine, yeah let's fast forward.

"You know, I've read all about you. How you save peoples lives from the living dead..." I think that is an oxymoron. "Really?" Leon was surprised how everyone knows him but himself. "Why, yes! They even had a video game staring you. It's called Resident Evil 4, or Biohazard 4." Creepy. "You've inspired me in your work actually. I now know what I truly find my happiness in." "Video games?" /Oh Lord...Another game freak.../ "Well, you could say that. Ah, here comes Isabel and Maria!" Two women, one in blue and the other yellow came in with silver covered trays of food. Another man whose name was probably Esteban, assisted them.

Leon just looked at them funny. They seemed Undead like the ones he fought so much of. "So what's on the menu ?" Salazar asked. "Whootbadadayolh!" ..."What 'bout a day old-Oh! Yeah, yesterday we had meatloaf." And it was. Meatloaf. The two women just sort of hissed and left out. "Nice people," Salazar commented. /At to hell with it!/ Leon attacked the food, probably could of matched a rabied racoon. Racoon City ha,ha.

But Leon still had that question on his mind. "Salazar you never told me what you're true happiness was in?" What was with this guy? Salazar laughed again. "You'll find out soon enough." It had better not be Leon screwing. "Well Mr. Kennedy, my happiness is in hunting..." Do not past Go, do not collect $200. "But only a certain animal I am concerned in the sport," He sipped on his little red wine. Leon thought the sentence over carefully. "Human beings. You hunt human beings!!! What the hell is wrong with you!!!" ", I was going to say hunting for t.v. shows." Oh. His bad. "Sorry Salazar, I'm just tired I guess."

"Yes I love action. I have everything I need for my show, isn't that right ," whom of which appeared out of the shadows. "But I haven't completely found my favorite episode, if you know what I mean..." *gasp* "What if I don't want to be on your 'personal' t.v. show?" Leon sneered ready to fight.

"Well the decision is yours. Either survive the entire 3-day saga, or survive Mr. Cheese's saga. The large dee dee dee swelled up, anticipating for Leon to bust a move. "But I'll give you more than enough time to settle in your environment. Along with a few pets as well," He stopped to see the look on Leon's disturbed face. "What's wrong Mr. Kennedy, I beleive I treated you better than the others. There is one other man, Luis Sera. How annoying is he? Maybe you'll find the Spaniard, if he doesn't die first. Shall we be going then?" He smiled dead in Leon's face. /Well at least I won't die of suicide be Ashely.../ "Fine, I'll do as you say," Leon said flatly.

"Naw that's my man," Awkward(again...).

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?!?: Aw man, I'm twisting this story terribly. Salazar sounds like a perv!

Salazar: Damn mortals like you!

?!?: Leon's a mortal, too bad he couldn't be immortal like other Capcom characters.

Leon: Go suck a lemon.

?!?: After you sensei, you're the master at sucking.

Luis: Whoa,whoa,whoa! What did I just miss? Back that conversation up!

President: I rename myself Carrot Strips. Isn't it funny? The first part works with the last. I'm so SMART!!!

...

Everyone else: No comment


	3. Chapter 3: No Title

?!?: Growing strong, at least I have a plot to follow by.

Leon: Isn't that wonderful?

Big Cheese: As long as I get to touch people.

?!?: Yeah, you can touch Ashely.

Leon*perks up*: Oh yeah, go to touch the pretty girl, she like you.

Big Cheese: Really?! Oh Boy! *walks out*

Leon: My dirt is done for the day.

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**Night 1-** _No Title_

*&*

Salazar had some damn nerve. He had already packed Leon some supplies for survival: hunting knife(no suprise there), some Kool-Aid(oh boy! blue raspberry-lemonade!), Spam(oh whoopie...), and a few other boring items. He packed it all in a special-made Captain _Commando Knapsack_!* (available from DC Comics. Some items may vary.) All with a smile on his face.

After handing his bag of treats, Salazar and 'escorted' him out of the door leading to a thick forest enviornment. Don't ask me I don't know.

"Good luck Mr. Kennedy. All you must do is stay alive for 3 days." "So is that like 3 business days or staring from now, morning, what?" Leon might as well, since he might die right? I swear if this runt chuckles one more time-Salazar giggled at the question. "Staring from tonight, don't worry, you'll have 3 hours for a head start." Huh? "What happens after 3 hours?" Leon could take the two of them out alone, so why wait?

"Suprise surprise, hit you right from the side." (sfx: crickets chirping) "Or was it from behind?" (lol, that's worse) "Ciao!"

And they left him outside, just like that...

Leon's gonna have abandonment issues...

*&*

Leon wasted no time. The first thing he did was run. He was determined to get to a spot where someone could least walk up on him. He wondered about what Salazar told him. Other people where in the same situation as him. A Luis Sera. Anyone would make Leon feel better. Nearly half way into his first hour, Leon spotted...A small village?

/That must be where his servants live, they could help me!/

At that Leon dashed to the front door of the nearest house. All of them seemed kind of drabby, and they all were on two sides, creating a large space, odd. Almost for traffic. Knock Knock my n*gga. No answer. Leon noticed a paper at his feet.

Spanish? It said:

We ain't home. Went out to prepare for celebration.

Brains, Wicker men, the usual. Be back when I'm done with yo mama! LOLOLOLOL!

Pablo Esteban

*gasp*" They're planning to kill people! Like me! Dude!" Leon seriously hoped he didn't eat any brains. He rushed away back into the foliage? Faster than Leon's evaporated hope, he was knocked out instantly from behind.

?

"Owwwwww. DAMN! What the hell..." Leon roused from his K.O. Tied to a tree, of course. Leon tried looking around, but it was completely dark, if he could hold his hand up, he probably wouldn't be able to see it. A voice was calling...

"Hey amigo, hey hey listen to me listen to me wakey wakey wakey eggs and bakey get get get up!" A light cleared the darkness. "I heard you the first time," Leon groaned. He reopened his eyes. There was the most peculiar person he met all night. "Ahhh!"

"Hey partner. So you're that Leon guy the retart mentioned."

"And I suppose you are Luis Sera." The other man clapped. " Oh boy! Someone knows me! You know how I got here? I crashed my ship here... My dad's gonna be pissed...Well," he turned to Leon. "How did a good guy like you end up on a freak show island as this?" The man could talk.

"Hey! Untie me! Why the hell did you knock me out? You could have killed me!""Wow. That would've sucked!" Calm down. Count to 10. 1...2...3-

"YOU DAMN FOOL, LET ME GO!"

"Alright alright, no need to get so emotional..." Luis easily cut the rope binding Leon. "Okay homey, there...Too bad, I kinda like tying you-" Oh, he didn't get to the fact a fist went upside his head. "Okay, we have to come up with a plan," said the blondie who was shaking his fist from such hard contact.

"Hey, he didn't give us a damn watch! How the hell are we supposed to know when all hell breaks loose," Luis pointed out. He was right! "Well, damned if I knew. But there must be weapons, tools, anything we can grab!" Luis agreed fervently, and they started towards the village again.

Once again, Leon went towards the front door of the same house. "On three homey," Luis counted for them to slam against the door. "One, two-aww f^ck it!" Wheee! Both bodies push with all of their might. But Mr. Kennedy didn't think to check the door when he first came. So they basically flew into the tiny house.

"Ack!" Leon fell first, followed by a suprised Luis. Plop. Luis just fell all over Leon, a little suggestive position...Wha-wha wee wha! xD! Leon, still laying down on his stomach, scanned the room. The room was filled with weapons! "Oh hell yeah!" By now, it really didn't look right since Luis was nuzzling in Leon's hair. "How do you get it so soft?" He himself was in a Johnny Cage -movie star tux as well. "You're like the Cuddle-"

*CENSORED* (No need asking...)

"Jeez, these people are packed," Leon dusted his hands off, walking towards a small gun on the wall. 'Red9' said a tab under it. "Can I get a Hoo-hah Sergeant," Leon touched the gun with awe; snatching it from its resting place.

WHEEE WHOOO WHEEE WOOO!!

"The hell?" IT'S AN ALARM RUN! "You ain't gotta tell me twice! Leon, smash and grab!" Luis, went for the nearest rifle and another small handgun. They, of course, cleared it.

*&*

They were now a couple of yards away from the village. Exhausted, they sat down for a break.

"Hey Leon, got any more Spam?" "You ate yours already?" Leon checked his own bag. "Damn you! You ate my Spam already! Oww," His head was buzzing with pain. "Are you alright, I'm sorry about eating your food, Spam is so addictive," He had a real look of concern on his face. Much so that Leon felt a little sorry. "I'm fine, but are you," "Really gay? Yeah, I was flirting for a reason, I thought it was obvious." "I was going to ask are you okay, but thanks for the info," "Oh." As always, love interest ruins a movie, so the quaint little villagers were on their way.

They started back on the path, this time with a little more hope than ever before! Hey, listen to me! The villagers are coming your way! "Leon, aren't you just glad there aren't any authors talking to us?" "I sure am Luis!" Alright, fine!

It so happened that the path had gotten even wider. Far off was a yell.

"Winabego!"

The jerks stopped laughing. "Did you hear something about an Winnebago?" Leon asked Luis. "Naw, it sounded like something about winning a bagel..." Then they saw them. The villagers were heading towards them! One was holding up the all too familiar torch. Toldja so! But not just in front of them, from the sides and behind as well!

Their backs to each other, as the crowd honed in on them.

"Astey arouf awy, wroh!"One of them hollered. "Ahhhhh!" Luis just fired blindly from shock. "Owie," the guy with the torch said. "Did you really have to shoot, I mean seriously, dude," complained Mr. Torch. "Huh?" Leon blinked. "You mean you aren't here to kill us? But that note on the door..."

"That? Honestly, if we were going to make you two Wicker Men, would we have put it on a note? It was a joke!" Oh. Didn't see that one coming. "So what were you guys up to, no one's home!" "Salazar invited us to a party on the other side of the beach," a woman spoke up. "So, if you guys aren't the bad zombie people, then what was Salazar's suprise?" Leon wondered out loud. "What?" a villiger asked.

"None of this matters! You knew comers must pay the price!" A man dressed in a dark blue-black cloak that covered his face. "Now strangers, to survive, you must take the ultimate test."

*gasp*(again)!

"What the hell is it?" Leon demanded. "Oh I can't tell you, it's the end of the chapter, and please, call me Merchant." "Oh, cool, we'll just wait," Luis said politely.

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?!?: Long chapter! Whoo!

Reader: When do we get to the yaoi?

?!?: Never.

Reader: But you put down yaoi.

?!?: No, I put yaoi/shonen-ai. Disclaimer.

**Reader: WHATT!!! I'm wasting my time for nothing! RWARRR**!!!

?!?: The hell is 'RWARR' is it even a roar?

Announcer: **Finish Her!**

?!?: Sounds like Mortal Kom-

*?!? lol?* (Kano's fatality-must be censored)

Reader: That ought to teach you...*walks off*

Leon: **My HERO!!! MARRY ME!**

Luis: _Oh HELL NO!_

***CENSORED*** (heh heh heh)


	4. Chapter 4: Night Night

?!?: No more interruptions!

President: Fur-get that! HOUSE PARTY!!! *bunch of people run in*

?!?: NOOO! Hey!

Obama: What! I'm dancin' *does an old people dance*

?!?: Can I have an autograph?

Obama: Jive little turkeys like you, wanna interuppt a man! *continues dance*

?!?: What's a jive turkey? And I LIVE here! You don't!

Obama: Don't like it get over it!

?!?: **Wahhhh, Otay!**

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_**Night 1-Part 2**__: Night Night_

"Now what part was I on again?"

"I think you were on the part about calling you Merchant, and to survive, we have to take the ultimate test."

"Very good Luis, did you eat your Wheaties this morning?"

"Hell naw! Those things taste like sh^t!"

"Okay," the man name Merchant started. "Right now I'm sleepy as hell, damn Leon, you need to get some sleep! How do you operate!" At the moment Leon didn't responde because he was sleeping on his feet, uh, literally. "Huh! Hmm, oh Guile, get your own pair of damn smiley," he started to doze off again "Underwear...ZZZzzz," Sleep.

How rude. "Anyways, Luis. You and Leon must past the test. 85% or higher, and everyone gets pizza tomorrow at lunch!" Ohhhh! The crowd went wild!

"So tell me!"

"Alright," the Merchant leaned in closer. "You must defeat the one named Hunter," Luis almost laughed. "DUH! We know that it's Salazar, we were planning to get at him anyway!" But this time it was the Merchant's turn to laugh.

"I think we're at a misunderstanding. The Hunter is someone totally different. He is the monster on this island, the true terror!" Everyone' ahhed' for dramatic effect. Luis had to admit, things were getting creepy. "Okay so you're telling this Hunter guy is the real deal?"

"Yep! Pretty much. He damn sure is real scary. So good luck with defeating them," They all turned to leave. "Yo! Can we stay with you guys? After all we are your heroes!"

The Merchant sighed. "Hell no! He can sense if we're hiding so that would be of no help! But I can progress and give you guys' items before danger. It's like I'll be ahead of every step, but of no alliance in battles. "Deal?" What a buck! "Why not, they did that in Resident Evil 4. We have a deal Mr. Merchant."

The crowd went in the opposite direction of where they were heading. "Oh and btw(by the way,) you two are going in the right direction. Just go towards that big mountain in the distance. Tellatubby BYE BYE!" The Merchant ran off like the baser he was. Just as Luis was about to say "there ain't no mountain you drunkard!" there appeared a mountain ahead of him.

Great...

"Well, come along Leon," who was miraculously still standing. Luis just hoisted him in his arms. "Time for bed." Leon gave the cutest stir and snuggled in Luis' shoulder. Then he started to purr. "Weird...But cute!" Back to business, Luis searched around until...Bingo! A tree with a big hole in it!

Wanting to protect Leon, Luis just 'stuffed' him inside. But damn, it was only room for one. "Looks like I'll have to get on one of the branches." But he hesitated. What about Leo! "Ahh, Dante stole your taco Vergil...Got some cream sauce for you..." What if that retart (yes, retart!) came and Leon was still sleep talking?

Just as Luis made his way on the second lowest branch, his keen sense of smell alerted him. Ah! It was Black and Mild cigars?! Luis stiffened. What the hell was he to do? Was Salazar going to catch them? The sound of footsteps neared their position. /Leon, please stay alive.../

"I got stole Hunters cigars, I stole Hunters stash," Salazar sung. "You realize he's gonna smack yo ass when he finds out right?" The partner Mr. Cheese asked. Although he didn't look it, he was the one with the brains, not Salazar.

"Oh well, he's just a dumb $$ forest-" They heard movement ahead of them and some mumbling. "Salazar, that's probably them! Let's go, they can't outrun us!" Mr. Cheese started to go, but was stopped short. "Nu-uh! I want some candy," he took a long drag from his stolen cigar. "Oh yeah! My show Shin Chan's coming on let's leave," he said turning around.

"They're probably getting busy anyhow..." Mr. Cheese said under his breath. Oh well...

Luis heard them the entire time they were there. Thankfully, Salazar was an idiot. Soon as they left, he carried out the urge to check on Leon. He was still dead asleep. Aww, he's so cute!

"Well, good night my lion," he leaned in; he just had to sneak a kiss. Leon got up fast! "GET AWAY FROM ME ASHELY!"

"Leon, it's me. You've been asleep forever. We have a ways ahead of us tomorrow," he straightened himself up. "Who's Ashley, sounds familiar," " No-no one Luis! A ha aha!" and Luis really thought Leon was hysterical. Especially when he was kissed softly. "Good night Lu," and just like that, Leon fell asleep (wtf?).

/Good night Leon.../ Luis covered the troubled man, and kissed him as well. /Good night.../

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?!?: Hot damn!!! This is getting long!

Luis: What did you expect anyways. Maybe its long 'cuz you talk too much... Don't worry, I love ya!

?!?: You know, I think Leon might kill me if you-

Leon: What's going on guys?

?!?: We were just talking about the story. You kinda fell asleep.

Leon: Really? I don't remember.

?!?: Oh, well. You see Luis 'took' you while you were asleep. If you know what I mean...

Luis: Now hold on, I didn't do anything, okay? This time I wasn't being that perverted...

?!?: The devil is a liar!

Luis: But not me!

Leon: Okay I believe you.

Luis: What! I mean, yeah! Thank you!

?!?: Amazing...


	5. Chapter 5: Contemplation

_**Luis:**_ Where the hell have you been! We've been standing around here waiting for hours!!!

_**?!?:**_ Well, you see what happened was some jerk pigeon stole my peace sign earrings, the pigeon flew to some Skool down the street. So know right, the pigeon now named Washi (eagle) have this gang called the Warblers (heh, Warriors) that fight on Friday afternoons and night against the Nut Crackers.

_**Leon:**_ Don't ask me when I came. More importantly why are pigeons in gang wars against each other? What does it have to do with you?

_**?!?:**_ The pigeons aren't against each other!

_**Salazar:**_ Then who? [Where did he come from?]

_**?!?:**_ The squirrels of course!

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**Chapter 5**_**:**__Contemplation-hen_

THUD!!!

Luis was awake; unfortunately, he just fell off one of the branches.

"SH^T $$ B!TCH M^THAF^ (KA!!!" (Look who woke up on the wrong side of the bed). But thankfully, he landed on that giant head of his, which broke his fall. Leon did a turn-snuggle move, opening his eyes only to see his buddy writhing in pain.

Luis caught his eye. "Oh! He-hey there amigo! It's a good thing you're wake," he brushed off his black pants."Did I miss something last night?" "Yes you did Leon, so let me start..."

Luis informed the agent about their mission change, them nearly being discovered by Salazar, and the best kinds of muffins.

"I think blueberry's awesome too...So I wonder what's so special about the mini mountain." Odd enough, the mountain was shaped like a giant balled up fist, scratch that- a hand giving the good ol' "f^ck you!!" sign. Before was a great deal of forest leading up to The Sign.

"Well, since the villagers didn't mash our brains out, maybe we should give it a try, right Lu?" Luis thought hard (the first definition of it). "What does 'contemplation-hen' means? Oh, and answer your question, I say yes Leo. But just know that," he stepped over to station himself in front of Leon, and kneeled down too close. "I won't let anything happen to you." *smile!* Leon just scurried past the pervy man. "Well, let's just go alright," still avoiding contact, Leon just pulled his top hat over his face (bright red might I add). But because Luis didn't see that, he had that really bad feeling; heart-broken best described it. "Uhh, wait up Leon!" Luis struggled to get his things together. /To think that all this time he was just playing along with me.../Luis started to jog after a speed walking Leon.

A tear falling leaf covered the remains of a teardrop in the grass.

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_**?!?:**_ Awww, no! Sadness...

_**Luis:**_ *sniffles* being out of character hurts!!! It feels like my heart actually hurts!

_**?!?:**_ Sorry, today's chat has been cut off, see ya!

_**Luis:**_ ITAI!!! IT BURNS!!!


	6. Chapter 6: Suspicion

_**Salazar:**_ The hell you callin' little? I'll have you know ain't nothin' little on me!

_**?!?: **_Okay, listen. Everything you say just doesn't sound kosher!

_**Salazar:**_ Oh, like those nice, big and juicy pickles? I can just suck on them all day...

_**?!?:**_ RRWARRRR!!!

_**Salazar: **_Did I mention how I love Caesar salads with pickles! Big Cheese always toss my salad. I bet you didn't know how great he is...

_**?!?: **_RRWARRRRRR!!!!

_**Salazar:**_ Honestly, you people have no class whatsoever.

_**Pablo:**_ The hell you mean by 'you people'?

_**Isabel:**_ *turns to Pablo* What the hell you mean by 'you people'?

Everyone jump Salazar in!!!!

_**CENSORSHIP IS FUNNNN!!!**_

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**Chapter 6:** _Night Two- Suspicion_

Otay, sorry but we have to fast forward. As I said earlier, love interest ruins the movie, so I'll go over it anyways.

With pairings, the usual awkward silence and quiet frustrations over the other mate. Let's put in some nice wallpapers while we're at it, kinda fade their faces like on a romance book cover. I'll stop there.

We now join our two main characters. It is now bight fall, and they set up a resting place not far from the foot of the mountain. Don't ask me how they walked so fast, maybe Speedos helped or something.

Well, you know by now they are pretty roughed up looking, do you need any more description? Uh-huh, I thought so.

Luis: I don't know about you Leon, but I am damn tired of authors talking too much.

Leon: Yeah, they even put you in odd talking modes too.

Luis: Sou desu ka. It's like in play form!

*Suddenly a cold wind picked up in the darkness*

?: Who whooo!

Luis: #!$. Oww, I think an owl just hit me in my eye!

Leon: Itai!!! It scratched my ear!!!

Authors- 2

Characters- 1

Somehow the two Dee Dee Dees made a camp like area, luckily for them, a lake was nearby, and a barrel full of Spam. Luis had an inkling of paranoia. He wondered if Leon did too.

"Leon."

Leon looked back at his crush. "Hold on, I'm just gonna wash me and my clothes, I'll be back soon." Only then did everyone notice that Leon was in some...some...Smiley yellow boxers! [Awkward...]. To say the very least, Luis was a little speech less. "Nooooo! This is important! Leon, I think we are being watched." The blonde laughed.

"Oh well, I've been watched all day, why should it be different now?"

"Oh so you're talking about me, you little maricon! [Love that word]" "Fine, have it your way, Mr. Suspicious, I'm off," Leon sulked off with a frown. The officer went about his way to the lake that was...alight? Now that didn't make any sense. / I this is supposed to be a natural place then why.../ Luis didn't waste time on what he discovered. By now, Leon was already in the water.

**"LEON! LEON!"**

"Mr. Cheese, is the popcorn done yet?"

"No, and shouldn't you be out there hunting for them instead of fooling around here, you're Dad's gonna be pissed." Mendel or whatever his name is, thought a few seconds. "And my name is not 'Mr. Cheese dammit!" Salazar stopped sucking on his straw from his freezie. "Oh yeah about that Mr. Cheese, I'll just tell Daddykins that it was your entire fault." Daddykins? "What! You little-" he was about to moved over to strangle the little bastard. Wait a minute...This is my only job, he thought. Beep, beep, beep! Mr. Cheese was saved by the pop.

Salazar smiled, oblivious to what was about to happen. "Ready to watch the show?" It was going to be the best ever.

Mr. Cheese considered this. He would be rolling in dough as well!

"Let the good times roll!"

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_**?!?:**_ Ho noes! Cliff hangers!

_**Obama:**_ You know what I just noticed?

_**?!?:**_ What's that?

_**Obama:**_ We were actually on the boat the last time I was on this talk show, but you said we were in your house.

_**?!?:**_ Well godlee! Everyone is pointing out my mistakes!

_**Saddler:**_ And you still suck!

_**?!?: **_Eh! Get off the ship Saddler! (I don't like you!)

_**Hunter:**_ I shouldn't be here!

_**?!?:**_ Don't like it, get over it!

_**Obama:**_ That's my line!

_**Snake:**_ Uhhh, sorry wrong frequency. Oh yeah! That's my line!

_**President K:**_ I'm dancing like a monkey!!!

_**Hunter:**_ You can't pay me enough!

*jumps off ship*

Wawawheewa!


	7. Chapter 7: Realization

?!?: So far, I've finally found a plot. But don't think it's as simple as it seems... I thinker that I has an uncanny ability to randomize things, but trying to add sense to it helps.

?!?: Where's everyone else? They are on deck celebrating; I'm going as a matter of fact.

?!?: I wish...

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**Chapter 7: **_Realization_

Okay, so far, we have at least six idiots to consider. That's clue number 1#. Now after you figure them out, tell me because I don't know at the moment. Well let's go!

I just had to walk off, THE WAY HE LOOKED AT ME! It was adorable. But I feel as though he's mad at me [You think?]. Eh! Who said that? Like I was saying, he's a perv, but at least he's a damn sexy one! I've had worse stalk after me.

In other news, I'm in an odd looking lake. Since I've seen weirder, I didn't focus on why or how, just is. Hmm? Luis is running over. I have on no clothes!

I gotta tell Leon what's going on, even if I've been torn in between rescuing a jerk, or being killed and/or embarrassed. He'll love me for this one for sure!

_**?&?**_

Before Leon could put his clothes back on, a panting Luis ran up to him yelling. **"GET THE HELL** **OUTTA THERE!"** "Nope."

Luis looked bewildered. "Leon, there are cameras in there! I've finally figured it out; we're actually in his sight!" Leon looked around under the water. And then he suddenly felt guilty and stupid.

"Ohhhh, that's what you were trying to tell me! Awww, Lu," he trodded over and gave Luis a huggie. "Wait Leon," not wanting to feel hurt again. Leon didn't let go. _/Now what? How to get_ _a grown naked man from snookling me?/ _"Uhh, how about you finish, and I'll get our stuff ready!"

So basically Luis. "That must be the oddest pervert ever...And yet,"

Leon faced ont of the now very obvious cameras and turned his rear.

**"KISS MY $$ SALAZAR!!!"**

And he went to help out Luis.

"Hey! How the hell did that damn idiot Luis find out the cameras were there! They cheating'!" H e put his feet up on his ultra comfy sofa. "Eh Mr. Cheese, I want more popcorn, hop to it!" Salazar started snapping his fingers.

"First off, I told you not to put them there because you would need light to see, since you really wants to without night vision ones. When I said they would be able to see, you did it anyway! And go get yo on damn popcorn!"

"My father will be very displeased..."

"Forget you...Okay; give me your bowl..."

Poor, poor Mendel...

"I LIKE MEN NOW!!!" Salazar exploded.

Great...

"Thanks again, Lu," Leon whispered after a pervy tap on Luis' backside.

Even in a hurry, they seemed comfortable. But authors don't like procrastinating..."Like heel you don't," Leon commented who will get punished for that later. But for now, they will hurry on to the thick vegetation surrounding the mountain top nearly maybe seventy to 100 acres in circumference [that doesn't look or sound right.]

?*?

From his eagle's eye view, the one known as Hunter spied down below on its prey. "So, they villagers have sent more, such foolish creatures..." Hunter gave a superior laugh, for no one has ever won against him. He was the Almighty, and only he chose the ones that would live.

"I am Oyashiro-sama!!! AHHAHAHA! Wait, wrong line, oh well," Even though he was powerful, as all bosses in video games, there is one weakness that will make them fall from their totem pole of godliness.

Hunter packed away his night vision goggles. BTW, it might be a he, but it could be a she, so there. The Ruler turned off to his waiting place.

A certain song just stayed stuck in his head, almost like a curse but with his own twist:

_...Just once if I had the chance_

_The things I would do to you_

_You and yo body_

_Every single portion_

_Send chills up and down yo spine_

_Juices flowin' down your vine..._

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?!?: We're getting there, I just need to get my skill back, and it's gonna be smooth sailing from there. I have to say though; I feel kinda good starting back writing!

Luis: Hurray! More adventure!

Leon: The horror!

Big Cheese: The excitement!

Saddler: The drama!

Salazar: Murray!

President: Cookies!

Ashley: Nuhhh, Daddy! It's the cake!


	8. Chapter 8: Typewriter

_**?!?: **_Last time on _Retart_!!!

_**Luis:**_ Isn't that your talk show?

_**?!?: **_Notice you're always the first to talk.

_**Ashley:**_ But today, I'm here!!! Yeah me!!!

_**?!?:**_ Uhh, yeah this isn't the Tipton Hotel.

_**Ashley:**_ But...But I LOVE DISNEY!!!

_**Leon:**_ Code Red! Code Red!

_**Ashley:**_ Huh! *gets muffled by some guys in all black*

_**?!?:**_ Disney is the root of all evil!!!

_**Luis:**_ Must destroy!!!

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**Chapter 8:** _Typewriter_

Last time, we found our two main characters back on the dirt path to the mountain- The Sign. Why? To free the Ganados of a mysterious tyrant named Hunter. Will they ever be able to defeat the meanie, escape the island, or even live? I don't know let's find out.

_**Leon:**_ I'm tired Lu. When are we gonna stop!

_**Luis:**_ As soon as the play script style of us talking stops.

_**Leon:**_ Damn!

"Uhh, do you see what I see Leon?" Luis came to a stop. Leon, who was directly behind him bumped into the man.

"Oh look, it's not play script style anymore. Other than that, I can only see your backside..." Yes, he was staring at the wrong thing.

"Noo, I'm talking about that over there," Luis motioned over to the far right of them where the path veered off to...

"What the hell, where did you come from Merchant! More importantly, how did you make blue flame?"

"I already told you- Hey! Al of the other things that don't make sense and you ask about the flame? Come on Leon..." The man had a point.

"So what do you have for us Merchant," Luis asked. "Well, very valuable things stranger..." "I'm not a stranger, I'm Luis."

"Oh yeah. Anyways, I have some guns, and clothes...Oh, honey!" Leon and Luis looked at each other. "What in Devil's name are you doing with honey?" Leon questioned while disturbing images popped into his mind.

"Well stranger, you might need it! That will be 20 bucks!" He handed them both a little plastic bear filled with honey. "Why is mine sticky?"

"Off I go, see you two later!" And the masked man ran off like a baser for the second time.

"Hey Lu, where did my shirt go?" Uhhhh."Yeah Leon, I forgot to tell you. You might want to put the rest of your clothes on-"

"But my extra boxers are gooone!"

Sniffff! "Oh yeah, this is goin' on EBay for sure." A certain hand reached for a certain extra pair of black boxers.

Sniffff! "The sweet sweet smell of money!!!"

The two heroes kept on trucking, one with a little less clothes, and the other confused, came to a stop.

"Oh not again Luis! What do you see now?" The most normal and yet not so was in front of them.

Thank the Author, a shanty! Shelter!!! The two overjoyed men ran with hope. The inside was very simple, and inside...

A typewriter (duh duh duh-duhhh!)

Examining it, the two didn't find any cameras around it (by now they realized Salazar was to dumb to put in minute cameras).

But they did find an odd message written on the paper:

11:59 -Typewriter 2 - Houjou Satoshi

"How odd, whoever that guy was, he wouldn't mind us here," Luis commented.

"Why would a typewriter be here anyways?" Probably to remind them they aren't going crazy. "Leon, I think we should keep on moving to this Hunter guy. Leon, hey!"

Once again, Leon's uncanny ability to stay asleep on his feet kicked in.

"Fine, let's rest for a while." Luis spreaded out both his and Leon's sleeping thingies to make a pallet. Annoyed with Leon all day, Luis just "tapped" the blonde man over so he fell right on the pallet.

_/But yet, I want to-/_ "Forget this!" Luis popped. He slide over behind the Sandman's back and squeezed him like no other fan girl or boy could.

_/Yea mes!/_

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_**?!?: **_Well, someone isn't being very annoyed! That was not in the script! I blame the Merchant!

_**Merchant:**_ Huh! I did no thing strangaa...

_**?!?: **_We aren't strangers! You have seen us like forever!

_**Merchant:**_ Still, how is that my fault?

_**?!?: **_Don't feel lonely, it's Leon's fault too.

_**Leon:**_ Naw!

_**?!?:**_ First off, you should have listened to Luis, who also should have just grabbed you before you went in the water.

_**?!?:**_ Next, Mr. Merchant, you shouldn't have stole the man's extra clothes.

_**?!?: **_All said, it's everyone's fault.

*Silence*

_**?!?:**_ Heh heh heh!


	9. Chapter 9: Morning Glory Love

_**?!?:**_ I'm on a roll again. Can't stop yet!

_**Leon:**_ I don't understand. Are we still on the yacht or what?

_**Hunter:**_ Seriously, I don't understand...

_**?!?:**_ We are on the boat yeah. Why are you guys so hard on me?

_**President:**_ So I see, this is a psychological problem. In writing this story, since you are making up the dialogue which usually filled with you getting the bad side of most outcomes, thus it is evident that you are being hard on yourself for some reasons, unknown.

_**Ashley:**_ Daddy, you sound dumb!

_**Saddler:**_ Wowww...

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**Chapter 9:** _Morning Glory Love_

_"Leon, Leon! Come on let's go! Go where, we're getting married silly!" I was being pulled, yanked to my utter doom. Scratch that, a fate worse than hell._

_"Hey everyone! Leon's awake! Start the music!" A man from the village, what was his name- Pablo started a fast beat on the piano. Not the one when people get married. As a matter of fact, they had a choir, Salazar in front. _

_I don't have to tell you which song is playing. The crazy woman pulled me up the walkay, I just realized I was in a long white wedding dress. The President looked and examined me. "Uh-huh! He's a good 'un!" I try to wrench free, but she had a death grip on my arm. I looked up from my depressed stare of my gown._

_"Hello strangers, are you ready?" The President sighed. "We are not strangers- Ohh, apple juice!" The man ran off to one of the servers, Luis was in a- mini skirt? "Hey, this ain't no Angel Mort; you can't have it your way-Stop staring at my legs!" Salazar was being a perv while Luis tried his best to just give the man his order of apple juice. The President wasn't helping either. I wish I could break free, I can't move. "Now, you may kiss the bride," Mr. Merchant beamed. He didn't even read the matrimony thingies._

_"Oh Leon! I can't believe we're together forever!" I just noticed she had on a suit. If I make it back... She moved closer, and lifted my veil. No, I please, stop! I don't want to... "Ohhh, this apple juice has peaches in it!" Don't know who that was. The choir got louder, Salazar kept leading:_

_If we gonna get nasty baby_

_First we'll show your tail_

_Till I reach your ponytail (Salazar hit a high note)_

_Ashley got closer, closer-_

**"AHHHHHH-**_**hhh**__._..Oh!" It was all a dream (used to read Word Up magazine...)."Aw man, we slept too long," Luis pulled Leon more from behind. "...Leon..." Uhh, a certain someone's hand reached lower and lower, fondling a certain someone's belt. "Do you need more 'rest' Leo?"

"I don't feel so good," "I'll make it better, if you want..." (Oh la la!). /We have to keep moving, I can't afford to fall asleep again./ A s if reading his mind, Luis got up and started taking his white collar shirt off. "Hey! Lu what are you doing! "You need an extra shirt. So I'll just wear my tank top." Leon's so negative.

"Okay, so here's a plan to consider," Leon started once they both got done eating and what not. "We'll leave our things here and make out way to the mountain. Hold on. You know what I just noticed? How the hell are we able to carry all of these things throughout the story?" Hmmm. "You know, you're right. We have like a million things packed into one cache case thing."

"Anyhow, we have to finish this today! No more running! It's 5:00 a.m. We can do this Lu!" They high-fived each other. "I believe in us Leo. That Hunter shouldn't be so tough! But I wonder what he looks like..."

_**&?&**_

_5:42 a.m. _

The two survivors hiked they're way up the mountain. It was a very odd one, it looked like it was actually made to go up. It was a mountain, but at the same time, there was a dirt path that leads the way to another hump that was to the other side of the mountain; you could just climb down if you wanted. The two saw this, an immediately realized it was a distraction. They reached the near the top in record time. "What the hell is that?" Luis pointed out at the top of the middle finger. A red dot was blinking on and off. Holy Shonen!

"I realize it now! That little Lemmiwinks wasn't joking! He didn't put the cameras everywhere for nothing; he's actually broadcasting this to some sick, perverted, Hostel freaks!"

Clap, Clap Clap. **"Well, it took you idiots long enough."**

They whipped around. "Where did he go?" The two captors searched around in a complete three-sixty.

_"Down here!"_ They couldn't believe their eyes.

Hunter was the scariest and cutest figure they ever saw. He had an eye patch, a Black and Mild in his paw. Army fatigue; he would've looked a little bit like Krauser, if he wasn't golden yellow.

**"W-WINNIE THE POOH?!?"** The two blurted about.

"That was my old name, before the tragedy," He readied himself. "But that isn't a story for you two to waste on. Time to die!"

He raised his crossbow gun. "Die!"

"Leon! Duck!" "Where? I hate ducks!" Noo! Luis just tackled the man out of harm's way. But not without a too-close-for comfort braze from an arrow. "Gahhh! It burns!" They retreated back down the path halfway. Winnie loaded his cross again, this time lighting it on fire. "Too slow!" Another shot whizzed by as the two headed down the hill.

"Luis! Weapons!" "I know I know," the other man cried hastily. They reached the shack just as they realized they were no longer being chased. _/Where could he have gone to that fast?/_ Leon thought to himself. They left the other supplies out of their chases. This time weapons only. Suddenly, a dark figure on a tree limb outside of the shack's window appeared, aiming a red dot in between them both. "**Run Like Hell**!" Luis screamed. They shot out of the door like they stole something. Now a little more prepared than before, the righted themselves for Hunter's attacks. Unbelievably, as soon as they searched behind them, Winnie appeared, thoroughly pissed off. He walked towards them slowly.

(_Song: Confession)_

"Hunter, why are you doing this," Leon asked softly, careful not to call him Winnie. "Because, all of my sorrow was because of what you humans created. One day, I will rid of you all!" Luis didn't take time; he just reflexed and shot the bear in his stomach. No effect, not one scratch! "Idiot! Your guns, no matter how impressive they are," he aimed at the both of them. "Nothing can stop me. That's when Leon, learning from Rurouni Kenshin, used his psychological skills the calm the killer down. "Hunter, what did you mean by tragedy? What happened?"

"So, the human care's about my feelings?" He gave a half-hearted laugh. "You two just might be able to hear my story.

_Once upon a time, I was happy. We all were just us animals, and Christopher Robin. Until one day._

_We didn't really worry about gangs hitting us, at least not in our woods. The other kids' shows' animals didn't know our terrain well enough to try an attack. As soon as we were ready to except new comers into our life, he turned out to be a spy. He relayed information about us to a gang I will refer to as Gang A. Once they mapped out our area._

_They hit us hard, right in the heart of the 100 acre woods. They chaos was horrible. They...They..._

_"Pooh, get...get out of here-" Not without you, never!" "No, they've got us, I don't want you to die." The tiger laid his paw on the bear's lap. ""You have to live! Live for all of us...Live for me, because I-" "Don't talk; I'll get you out of here alive!" The cat shook his head. "Not this time. I love you..." The last bit of life faded away._

_"AAAAHHHH! No! I said come back damn you!!!" Golden paws shook and stirred the body, that would never revive._

_I was the only one left. Casualties amounted up to over 150, the ones that we knew of. They burned down the woods. I am one of the few who managed out of there alive. My friends, my family, Tigger... Gone forever._

"Who betrayed you?" Luis tried. "The one that everyone seemed to love so much," Hunter still centered his cross bow at them. "The Traitor: Barney." (Are you serious?). "Well, we hate Barney too, right Luis?" "With a passion," said Luis catching on quickly.

"Uso da!" Huh! They swiftly dived behind the same tree trunk as Hunter shot an arrow. "We aren't lying Hunter, trust us-Lu, where are you going?!" Luis stepped out from behind the tree. "Fool, do you want to die?" But Hunter's eyes didn't mean that. Luis understood now. "We are the way we are now, because maybe," He walked even closer. "Just maybe, we need love." He pulled out his plastic bear filled with honey. Hunter's eyes grew.

"For you Hunter." Tears formed in the brown eyes of the bear. His face gave multiple feelings at once. Leon walked forward as well. "Thank you," the once toy whispered. "Will you help us Hunter. Maybe that way, we can help you." There was a shine on the hunter's face. Like a soldier he became over the years, he was determined to make up for his mistakes.

"Come on Hunter, let's go," Both men gave out a hand. "My name is not Hunter; it's Winnie, Winnie the Pooh."

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_**?!?:**_ We are learning a lot of lesson's in life. Hate Barney (even if you watch the show.

_**Leon:**_ Luis, what were you going to do with the honey anyway? How did you know it wil help.

_**Luis:**_ I didn't. I thought we might need some...And the title sounded like we were going to have se-

_**?!?:**_ And we learned about love.

_**Winnie: **_How to stop a mad shooting bear dressed as a cute version of Krauser.

_**?!?:**_ And that is all for today. Where did Luis and Leon go?

_**Winnie:**_ Ey! Where is ma bottle of honey?

...


	10. Slang Guide

_**?!?:**_ Hit here, this is a slang guide for the "Most Dangerous Dumbest game which is currently one of my main stories right now. Yeah, I'm an amateur.

_**?!?:**_ So, the most informal person in the story would be Luis. So he shall be your teacher.

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**Most Dangerous Dumbest Game:** _Slang Guide_

Hi! Mi names Luis. I's a gonna let you in on some slang that you might encounter, in case you don't know. Some might be more of a 'South Florida' thing, and others are more universal.

And of course things from other languages.

1. _Creep_- That's a hard one. Depending on the sentence, it could be a verb or an adjective.

**ex.** "That FN stole my candy cane, that's creep man!"

**ex. 2** " Dori is like, so creep, don't never share any candy!"

2. _FN-_ Stands for f^ck n!gga. Noun. Someone who isn't right, or someone who is annoying, yadda, yadda.

**ex.** Leon, you're an FN! {You weren't saying that last night!}

3_. Itai!-_ Exclamation. Japanese. Uhh, adjective? Similar to: "Ow," or "That hurts!"

**ex.** "Ahhh...Ah! Too much Lu! Itai!" {"But you like it that way don't you?" }

4. _Sou desu ka-_ "So I see..." Just a saying I guess. Japnese term. Sou=I. desu= to be. ka= particle meaning to question.

_**ex.**_ "Ahhh, you are not wearing underwear today, are you Saddler. Sou desu ka..."

5. _Baser-_ Similar to "crack head" or other terms similar to people dealing with drugs HEAVILY. Direspectful term.

_**ex.**_ "Man, yo basin' $$!" or "The girl is such a baser, she be tricking over on 19st!"

We will be updating as we see fit, or based upon requests, so don't be afaraid.

**PLEASE COMMENT THE STORIES IF YOU LIKE!!! IF YOU DON'T SHE'S GONNA HURT ME AND DO WEIRD THINGS WHILE I SLEEP-**

_**?!?:**_ Good day to you all. Luis, come here, what have I told you...


	11. Chapter 10: Three and a Half Idits!

_**?!?:**_ Looks like we finally hit the big 1-0! This is the very first time this has happened!

_**Winnie:**_ Hurray! We baked a cake for you, plus pies and other stuff!

_**?!?:**_ Aww, you guys are so sweet! *takes a bite out of a 'special' piece of strawberry cake*

_**?!?:**_ Yay! It's awesome you guys are awesome- I feel tired... *drops on the floor*

_**Leon:**_ Heh heh heh. We'll torture her later...

_**Ryu:**_ Yeah!

_**Kilik:**_ Yeah!

_**Mion:**_ Yeah!

_**Luis:**_ Who are you guys and how did you get in here?

_**Light:**_ We're on your side....*creepy laugh*

_**Mion:**_ Well, off to my house. I got dibs on her nails!

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**Chapter 10:** _Two and a Half Idits-Morning the Third_

You know I have to do my little recap! On today's episode, we have our two fellas, and a new member to the duo- Hunter! Hunter who was traumatized by the death of just about everyone he loved, after reasoning with Leon and Luis, he renamed himself Winnie. The one and only Pooh. Their new mission:

?!?

"So where now Pooh?" I've honestly have forgotten which direction to go from here?" Leon asked after the three of them stood outside of the shack.

"Hmmm, I think my skills are being blocked," his lil' paw inched over to the sack in Luis' hand. "You know us bears just can't function..." "Oh! Well me and Leon has honey bottles, wait, was this mentioned in the other chapter?" (It doesn't matter.) "You heard that! It doesn't matter!" "Okay okay! Have it!" Luis handed over the goods, which disappeared in three seconds. "Pooh, where is the bottle?" Instead, the cuddly guy did a death glare at Leon's bag, who was holding it kind of funny. like he was protecting it. "Leo, can you give Pooh here your honey?" "Nuhhh,"

"What's that Leon?" "Nuhhh Luis. Nuhhhh..." Okay! "Give me the damn honey," Pooh demanded. "Forget you! Five minutes ago, you tried to kill us! Why, in the name of yahoo should I give this to you," a crazed look slipped on the blonde man's face. "The precious, is mine! Go get your own damn precious!" Leon swiped out one of the combat blades.

"Aye yi yi! Every episode! You know what," Luis pushed pass Pooh (who was also ready to fight), slapped Leon's hand with the knife in it away and just hugged him!

"Ukesaywhat?" Luis mumbled.

"What! Hey-" a deep kiss of wonderful fire cut off Leon's sentence (did that sound about right?). There's a multitude of words that could describe what that moment felt like, so I'll just use it from Pooh's perspective.

**"AWWW MAN WHAT DA F^CK ARE YOU TWO DOING!!!! AHHHHH! MY EYES THEY BURNNN!"** Yep, overreacting. He's just so melodramatic. Those two were still in their own little world... With some tongue business... Groping...And a new word: snookling. Oh yeah! Let's add in some pushing and ahhing- Code Green! Someone just walked din. I'll stop there.

_10 minutes later of making out..._

"Okay, let's go Pooh. Pooh? Oh dear," Pooh's brain was fried, worse than Anakaris fried. He was in a state of repose- no, traumatized. His head was bent back, moth open (complete with foam!), and eyes dilated.

"I told you to stop moaning so loud Leon!"

"What! Me? You started it when you pushed me up against the tree!" Aww Lord. "Luis, well looks like we have to wait," Luis sighed. "But until then..." he shimmied next to Leon. "We should have plenty of time to-"

_20 minutes later of more steamy-ness and Pooh's brain being fried. One long time card this is... _

_**6:23 a.m.**_

"Okay, we're all set. We should arrive at the villagers' home spot by at least... 9:00." "Then it's decided. But we still might have to wait until night to actually follow through with our plan," Luis added. "Also," Leon put in. "We have a bone to pick with that Merchant! He owes us pizza!" So the three set off back to the village for revenge, answers, and some x-tra topped goddamn pizza. But since this is my fan fic, nuthin' here runs smooth.

"I'm all set and ready to roll!" Pooh had magically recovered and appeared from out of the shack. "I am so tired of unexplained happenings around here, I ain't asking' no more questions," Leon complained. Of course, he wasn't complaining about anything at 6:03 a.m. "Hey!" The man shouted to no one in particular. You there!

_Nipa~.~.~.~_

_**7:02 a.m.**_

"How the hell we got here so fast?" "Well Pooh, can't you see why Leon stopped asking questions?" "Oh yeah." Yes, it didn't take them that long to arrive now did it? Just as they walking up the dirt path to the first house, a wild Mendel appeared.

_/God I hate my job.../_ "You three shall not pass, or I won't get my raise," the huge man stated flatly. "Aiyiii! Leo we forgot about the cameras!" "Holy sh*t you're right, you think they saw us-"

"Yes I did as a matter of fact, and let me tell you..." ... "You know what never mind. Prepare to die!" "Scatter!" Pooh commanded. He was the only one who know how to stop Mendel. "I'm tired of you perverts!" Luis was at his last nerves with everything, so he defied the laws of physics and pulled a rocket launcher from his jacket sort of.

"Fire!!!!" Mendel just walked out of the bullet's path.

:D

Pablo (or whatever the hell his name is) sat his icy cold orange Fanta on top of his sitting rock, and bent down in his lunch box for his Moon pie when BOOOOM!!!

"Oh f^ck me Freddy!" A giant explosion erupted a mere few yards from where he was. "My SODDDAAAA NOOOO!!!!"

:D

All four of the retarts just looked. "How the hell..." Mendel trailed. "How about we just stop. Big Cheese Listen, I know you hate Salazar as much as we do. Just help us." Pooh reasoned. "You've been watching too much Rurouni Kenshin, but I'll help. He's such a brat!"

Meanwhile Leon and Luis were looking on like kids. "Wahhh, what's gonna happen to us now Luis?" "I don't know, but I hope that guy doesn't find out what I did to his soda!"

**XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDD**

_**?!?: **_Chapter 1-0 complete!

_**Luis:**_ 'Bout damn time, where you been at?

_**?!?: **_The hell it look like I been at?

_**Luis:**_ ???

_**?!?:**_ It's a horrible place that's like hell.

_**Leon:**_ S. C. M. H.

_**President:**_ Yeah, you used to sit together!

_**?!?:**_ But know I's free!!!

_**Therapist R.:**_ You're still my b*tch, come here *does Wario laugh*

_**?!?:**_ **AHHHHAAHAH!!!**


	12. Chapter XI: Heroes' Troubles

_**President:**_ You know I have a question.

_**?!?: **_Mrilk?

**President:** You are constantly changing the location of where we are talking like every chapter.

_**?!?: **_Well, it depends on my mood, see? Right now we're all in one big bed! :3

_**Leon:**_ ...I'm gonna go to jail...D:

_**Luis:**_ This doesn't look right. *shifts himself on top of Leon* Okay now we're in business!

_**Leon:**_ I'll give you this one...-.-

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDD

_**Chapter XI:**__ Heroes' Troubles_

The gang had about twelve hours until Salazar, as they were to be searched out and destroyed by Salazar. The Big Cheese (that ain't what my mama named me), Leo, Lu, and Pooh, met up with the villagers in which they had a grand celebration!

_**Nipa~.~.~.~**_

_About 7:20 p.m._ (**You should already know what song was blasting)**

"So you're the infamous Hunter huh? Kinda small..." one of the villagers examined. "You son of a biscuit!" "He's so cute, can we take him home mama?" A cute little girl begged. _/Don't kill them, you're a good guy now, don't __**kill kill KILLL**__!!!?/_

_Over somewheres..._

"I can't believe I had to do that to Merchant to get that goddamn pizza! How come he didn't choose Luis!" "Well Leon, you did think he stole your boxers so that might be why." "Mendel, Cheese, or whatever the hell your name is, I like you, you're the only person that makes sense 'round here." "Thanks, I guess. Pass the gin?" "Sure. We're gonna need it for later." It was getting pretty cool outside, so a nice fire was starting up. _/These people are awesome, I just want to stay here with everyone. Eventually Ashley will come looking for me.../_ Leon thought bitterly. _/What if Lu finds out about her? He'll hate me forever.../_

Isabel had randomly popped next to Leon and Mendel who noticed how his expression changed. "Must be bipolar, let me talk to him," Isabel whispered to Mendel.

"What up G?" "Huh," Leon was a little surprised. "Don't worry thug, y'all going to make it through, because Salazar is a wimp." Leon considered this. "Yeah, I figured so. That's not what worries me." He looked over to where Luis, the Merchant, and a pizza boy (???) were crowded with pizzas. "Oh he likes you :3" _/How she knew that?/_ "Because he stays talkin about you!" _/She reads minds?/_ "Yes, oh children these days with their love...Oooh godddamn pizza!" She ran off before Leon could answer.

"She's 23 odd," Mendel ran off too. "What you doin sittin there, come on lemmiwinks!" Leon laughed to himself and went to join in.

_**O.o**_

"So, Andy. You're telling me, that you just 'got' here? Where are the boats? We could have just escaped off of this island!" Luis questioned the pizza teen. "I don't answer questions, I just deliver to supernatural stories." Luis just turned to Merchant. "Pay up buster!"

He was obviously daydreaming about something sweet. "Oh yea! Here you go $350.23. Have a nice night strangaa!" "Otayy..." Andy walked off into the dark.

"Nice people."

Everbody was chillin', but it was pretty deserted as everyone else made their way to the lake (and they caught cramps). For the first time in a few hours, Leon and Luis finally got to be alone together, off to the side from everyone else.

"This has been the craziest three days of my life. This island is crazy, but I'm glad I came here." Looking at Luis made him feel warm inside he wasn't just cute, he was damn :3 sexy with it! _/Some parts of it was hell, but it completely changed my fate, me falling off that damn boat./_ "It has. I don't know what would have happened to me. I would have never been let out of there if you hadn't come," He moved closer. "You're an angel."

_/How can I reply to that? I'm not an uke though!/_ Bow Leon moved in ever closer. "You remember when those time cards came up?" "Hell yes! We didn't do barely anything, I thought I was gonna cry. That idiot author made it sound like we were really into it!" *gasp* Luis took forever to notice Leon's expression. Eyes half-lidded and cloudy. Heavy breathing_./Do I look like that when I'm-/_ "Luis?" "Huh?!" Luis paid back attention. "May I?" Before Luis could realize it, Leon already had one had cupped under his chin, and the other arm wrapped around him.

"Kiss you?"

"Please." He begged because although he had so much more he could have said- "Leo- Le-Mrmp!" Leon forced his tongue into Lu (much to both of their pleasure) Leon pulled the man in closer just in case he tried to escape. After a little, he slowly trailed his way down Luis' neck, who could now finally breathe. "Haa...Mmm, mm. Please stop for now," he pleaded trying to push Leon off who was starting to bite.

"Stop resisting," he hissed. Never leaving his gaze, he slipped a hand under the Spanish man's thin shirt. "You better not you horny sonofa-" Was it him, or was Leon's eyes turning...Red? "Do you like that?" the cop asked him as he twisted on his left nipple, hard. "Hell naw!" "Well maybe you'll like this," "OoO!!!" Like a true policeman, Luis was lifted and slammed onto the grass. Leon pinned him down with one arm. _/When the hell did he get so strong?/_ "Eh? Ese! What da fuck?!" Luis cursed still struggling. _/Where is everyone?/_

_**?!?**_

*Everyone gets ready to go in their houses lol*

_**?!?**_

Leon began grinding into the other's legs. "Yahhh! Let me go!" This only excited the seemingly possessed man more. _**/Okay that's it!/**_ "You're not Leon!" "How long did it take for you to realize that toots," he issued a voice that wasn't his own. "Wouldn't it be nice how Leon'll feel, if I take his little b*tch right here? And while he thinks he's in love?" He pushed extra hard on the last word forcing Luis to open his legs wider. "Leon's trapped...inside of himself_**?" /I'll fix this bastard! He doesn't know what I have up my sleeve!/**_ Since this new Leon was so close t o his face, Luis lifted his head and licked the other's lips. Now it was Leon 2's turn to be freaked. **//Get off of him now!!! Once I find out how to get you out of me I rip your F^CKING head off!!!//** /Now!/ Luis let out a war cry and with all his might, kicked the living sh*t out of Leon's balls.

"Gyaaahhh-" The agents eye's returned back to their normal clear blue color. The major pain knocked him back to his senses. "Luis! Luis are you alright? It-it wasn't me I swear! I don't know what happened-" He just put his head in his hands. He could only bawl in sadness and anger, but Luis crawled over to him. "I know Leon. I know. It has something to do with Salazar's plot! Odd, this never happened earlier, why did he choose know?" Leon looked up with the most depressed face ever.

Luis held the man in his chest for a few more minutes /He's so adorable like this, but so upset :(.)

He pulled up Leon's face close. "Listen to me. We'll get our revenge! But I won't be able to go anywhere right now unless I know you're okay. None of this is our fault." /He's right, I can't hold us back!/ "I'm fine now Luis." Brown eyes gave him a look. "Seriously!" "I'll believe you under one condition." "Anything."

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDD

_**?!?: **_Drama and abuse.

_**Wesker:**_ Where did that come from?

_**?!?:**_ Obviously the same place as you! How u got here?

_**Wesker:**_ Well, Leon's copying my swagger! *ignoring question*

_**?!?: **_How so?

_**Wesker:**_ I'm teh only rapist with red eyes over people with brown hair!

_**?!?: **_Who fits that description?

_**Chris:**_ *looks around* What the hell?

_**?!?:**_ Claire! You better get Wesker!!! Jill!


	13. Chapter XII: Double Double Penetrators

**?!?:** It's got time now!

**Luis:** You damn right!

**Salazar:** But it's not my fault! I just wanted to play!

**Mendel:** Why can't you get a GameCube like everyone else?

**Salazar:** Because I always end up playing with myself! On the joystick, after a while, my right hand starts to hurt and-

**Leon:** Just please stop. Every time you talk it's -just don't say anything for now!

**Salazar:** Aww man!

**XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDD**

**Chapter XII:** _Double Double Penetration O_o_

_8:25 p.m._

So the plan went as follows:

The four of them are to sneak in the mansion, castle, whatever and somehow wait for Salazar to return back when he realizes that 1.) Mendel isn't there (because it just might work) 2.) Leon and Luis are 'gone'. Hopefully he will ignore number 1. and just go search for the two of them. If he does, it won't take long for him to come back for a break until a second round.

"Anyone else realizes how many holes this plan has in it as I do," Leon asked the rest of his team. "You're such a worry wart! It's so cuuute 3!!!" Luis exclaimed. "Not to worry comrade- Hold on a sec," he told them as familiar ringtone went off from what seemed to be a Metro cell.

"Yes hello? Oh, hi there boss! We're about to start the show in a few. Uh-huh! He's right on the couch eating listen," He held the phone away from him. "Hi dada!" He said in a mocking high-pitched voice. "Well see ya boss!" He hastily hung up the cell. Everyone just looked at him. "What?! Gotta keep my connections. Let's just go before the idiot finds out!"

So they went on, but Pooh trailed behind of course because he was jealous (Why couldn't I get a phone ! :o) It actually took them about 20 minutes so I must waste a time card to emphasize to them.

_**8:47 p.m.**_

**"WE KNOW!!!!"** Leon fussed. Liar. Let's take a look at what everyone else is doing. Cliffhangers rulez!

_**?!?!?!?**_

_**Ashley**_

"Daddy, we have to keep looking for him!"

"But it's been days! Something's odd though," He looked over into the night at the mysterious island. It was shaped like almost like -

"Rokkenjima? Anyhow, as I was saying, he must-" He dramatically pointed over yonder. "-Be a mermaid!!!" Ashley gasped. "Like Ariel!!! You're right! Let's return in-" she checked a watch she drew on with a permanent marker (apparently it was 35 o' clock) "The day after tomorrow!" I love that movie!

_***DEEEDEEEHUHURHUR* **_

_**Salazar**_

"I wonder where that man is! I'm ready to go! There you are!" Before Salazar's eyes was a life-sized mannequin of teh Big Cheese. "Where've you been?" "....." The childish man pouted "Answer meh!" "......???" He tried pushing the model over (which for some reason, had the ecstatic smile on his face) and because it was weak, (and I don't know a thing of physics) it toppled into him.

"Meaaah! Hmmm..." He hushed as the weight of the body settled on him. "Oh you naughty man! I guess we could hold off on those two...."

Snuggling ensued-

**THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CUT TO ALL VIEWERS**

**RATED **_**N**_** FOR **_**NOONE**_**!**

_*HOHOH-OH*_

_**Merchant**_

_/Mmmm, Leon....Cuuuute strangaaa..../_ The Merchant was in his secret house (somewhere) living it up! It wasn't shabby either, very classy in fact. He just liked dressing like a rapist.

"No I do not! Capcom did this to me!" He lied out loud to himself. He went back to his position A: hand on crouch slowly teasing himself. Ohh the things that man did to him! He should of got rid of Luis, da bastard!!!

Just as the thought came to mind, there was break at his window- "Ey! Ain't no law against it yet" he gave his plea as the infiltrator just stared at him with his hand half-way *there*. "You could have knocked you know?!?" But the look on the person was obviously serious so he shut his trap.

"Okay, they went to the castle," He stated flatly.

"Humph!" the person sighed and left as quickly as it came.

"Jeez, this Motherf*cka HERE!!!"

**LOLOLOL**

_**Pablo**_

"Well, at least I have you, my beautiful grape soda," he said as he placed his relished drink on the bench where he sat. _/Finally.../_

I like happy endings!

_**33333333**_

_**Penetrators O_o**_

Okay enough fun. By now they were inside the dining room where Leon like many others, were first fed. Mendel held the lead since he knew everywhere and everything, followed by Pooh, Leon, then Luis (so he see his $$!). _/Where could he be?/_ Mendel thought really hard. "If I were a childish, psychopathic idiot, I would probably be somewhere humping... a beanie bag." The other three companions just looked at each and gave a 'whoa!' expression.

_*creak*_

Luis had caught the sound first, because it came from behind him. Another intruder!? "Who the hell are you!" He demanded with a revolver aimed high. Right above someone's right...Breast? "N*gga please! Out of my way! I've had enough of you idiots, lollygagging around. After all of this time, I'm finally ready to kill that midget and his FATHER!!!"

At this time, Leon, Pooh, and Mendel just stared at the both of them being so DAMN Loud and stupid. "Hmmm, I remember you!" Pooh blurted. So did Luis. "Hey yeah! You were trapped down where I was before! Ada... What was it? Ding, Dong?"

"Rahh! It's Long you dipshit! And that is just trivial matter. Thank you for being decoys, I'll be sure not to kill you after I'm finished with Salazar," She walked right on past Luis, who still had his gun raised. "My partner is waiting for me," and thus she continued her strut.

"So, she's been watching us this whole time, and basically used us as scapegoats! Creep!" Leon raged. Ada had gone up the stairs where Salazar's room was. Guess he haaaaad her there? Anyhoo, the four followed and arrived to the corridor with the sound of thumping.

_*thump*_

_*__**thumpthumpthump**_**THUMPTHUMPTH~UMP***

There was a freakish blonde man standing along with Ada, who Leon barely recognized, but they just stood there in shock.

Mendel was only half-right, but correct none the less

It wasn't a beanie bag (he had one in the corner of the room, though) but it was a life-sized doll of Mendel.

Out of the six, five couldn't believe, one did, except the fact he was the model for the doll.

Apparently Salazar didn't hear a thing until about a minute had passed until Ada's partner let out a short gasp.

"Huh," Salazar gasped when his sense finally kicked in to see the two traitors and four escapees.

"You will all DIE!!!...After I finish..."

_10 minutes later (and they actually waited!)_

"Now then **PREPARE YOURSELVES!!!"** They all tensed up. Not giving him a chance (they must play the same video games) Ada and Pooh fired their guns directly at Salazar's head- to no avail! **"Hot SAUCE!!! KOBE!!!"** Luis gave a (?) war cry as he threw a grenade from where they had spread out in the hallway.

_*bounce* *boo~omp*_

Bombs didn't even disrupt his clothing!

The blonde man was freakish because 1). He jumped in front of Leon. 2)"I'll protect you baby!" AND, 3.) He sprouted from his left arm,... A wing? Or some type of shield!

***CENSORED***

Instead of telling you what happened in the moments after this intriguing epic fail battle, I have a quick story:

_This is the story, of The Ugly Barnacle_

_He was so ugly,_

_That everybody died. The end! :3_

Salazar made it to his cell phone charging downstairs, uninterrupted. "Hey, Dad? It's me, um, how do you clean up like a mini-massacre? People parts are everywhere upstairs!" He held the phone away from his ears: Fussing and cussing' Daddy.

"Okay, I'm sorry! Jeez. No, I didn't say anything else! Bye Daddy!"

He sighed and trudged back upstairs.

"Impossible!"

All of the body parts, blood, and weapons had disappeared!

**XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDD**

**?!?: **Looks like everyone's gone, now who to talk to?

**Ashley:** I R here.

**?!?:** True, but I think just spelling your name just put my intelligence down -10 points.

**Ashley:** Aww. _*pout*_

**?!?:** Hey!c How about, we...um...

**Ashley:** Eat stuff!

**?!?:** I like your language!


	14. Chapter XIV: Black to Earth!

?!?: I kinda forgot what I was gonna write about, it's been forever since the last paper was erased.

Obama: Sounds like tough sh*t to meh!

?!?: Why are you so mean to me Prez.?

Obama: Because you keep using me in your idiotic antics! What if my wife sees me with you? And another thing, I saw that video you put my head on a body of that female dancer! *Frustrated Grunt Ho!*

?!?: I thought you loved me...

Ashley: *Walks in* Hi Daddy! *Jumps in the bed by Obama*

Obama: Just because your dad is a president doesn't mean it's me!

Chapter 13: Black to Earth

"Owie." Leon stirred awake, his whole entire body was killing him (pun intended). He sat up on what seemed to be the wooden boards of a cabin floor. "What the hell... I've been drinking again!" Leon concluded angrily, because there everyone scattered around him and he was without a memory { Which is called the Who, What, When Syndrome}. Slowly, everyone of the beings around him regained consciousness. "Goddamn it! I've been drinking again!" That was Luis this time, apparentlly thinking he was having one of those nights.

"Hey, has anyone noticed that there are no walls? And it looks totally creepy?" Ada wondered aloud. She was right, it seemed as if there were in an infinite darkness, and the only light was emitting from their own bodies.

**"Arise 'Retarted' Warriors!"** An omnipotent voice commanded.

"Don't you mean 'retarded'?" Asked Mendel. "**NO** I meant retarted, because you all have to be the dumbest group of people who aren't legally mentally retarded. Now I arise dammit and know this," the voice paused, and changed to a modern voice instead of its King-Arthur-ish tone.

"_There is now way in Zeus that you guys are coming into my crib!"_

"Well, what do you mean by crib, are you the devil?" the blonde-winged man asked. "It's not exactly heaven, or hell. More like one large place where everyone chills out, after they die of course. See, there's Hitler and Martin Luther King," some of the darkness cleared like a window, and Hitler and Martin were sitting on a sofa together, laughing over bottles of Smirnoff. Hitler was teaching the other how to cuss in German.

The window faded. "Who'd figure Hell would be so cool," Pooh mused.

"Whatever. The deal is, all of you should be here, but I'm kicking you guys out. I don't want to see you all this century. All of you are here to stop that stupid idiot called Salazar. Everything is happening now, and even before, was because of me. Except for you guys' dying part; I don't know what type of gay sh*t that was. Go. Don't come back for a while. Far well" The darkness cleared, and nobody had a clue what the hell just happened.

They were in the cabin where Leon and Luis had met Pooh. Something told the little bear to check the typewriter located in the corner of his home.

_-8:30 p.m. Signed: Capt. Planet._

Everyone had crowded around the insane writing. Obviously, it was logically impossible- everyone knows Captain Planet wouldn't initial his name, duh! "Who are they kidding," Luis scoffed. "Well, let's go get that asshole anyway. This never happened. C'mon Krauser!" Ada stomped off in a rather PMS mode. "Aww, Ada! Why'd you give away my identity!" Although none cared, he stomped off in a rather PMS mode as well, shutting the cabin door behind him.

[The rest of the men were lost in their own thoughts. Yes, this is like in most movies in the middle part where you're going like wtf?! Back to the story.]

"If it really is only 8:30, then we still have time to take him out. But we need to use a different approach," Leon rubbed under his chin, contemplating. "Yeah, we'll just get killed again," Mendel agreed. "Pooh, Mendel, is there some~thing that freak is weak against?" Luis inquired. "Well obviously, its Mendel and his Dad, Salazar," Pooh answered. "If you weren't a stuffed animal..." Mendel breathed under his breath. "It just had to be a picture of me didn't it!" He cried indignantly.

"I've already got the perfect plan," Luis concluded and began grabbing his supplies. "I'll explain it on the way to the mansion!" He turned to look at everyone shocked expressions. "Oh, so you all think Luis is 'el stupido'?" he fumed. He grabbed hold of Leon's hand squeezing tight. "I won't let a mistake happen like this again, ever. I'll get you through this night, and then," at the last thought he smiled mischievously. "Let's just save the _'Bees and the Bees'_ talk for later." The other three took a while to get the joke; by the time they felt uncomfortable and understand it, they were nearly at the mansion.

?!?: They are alive! Great!

Omni: Yeah, I couldn't have them when they still have work to do on earth.

?!?: So, you are just a spirit that keeps us when we die?

Omni: Something like that.

?!?: I want to know something about death.

Omni: What's that?

?!?: Is there frosting on the other side?

Omni: …Idiot...


	15. Chapter XV: Luis' Ingenious Gigolo Plan!

?!?: Hi! :3

Obama: Why am I still here?! Didn't I tell you to stop spawning me here?! I have a health care plan and—*_looks on the other side of the bed_*

Spawn: What? Never saw a dead black man with hellish super powers before?

Obama: … Well, actually. Okay, I got nothin'.

Spawn: It's 'cause I'm black isn't it?!

Obama: No; it's because your epic cape is flowing on its own—and you're dead!

Spawn: Otay! :3 *Cute _Creepy Smile of Deateh Ho!_*

Obama: Please don't make that face…

?!?: *_whispers to Spawn_* Do it again… XD

Leon and Luis: Better him than us! XD

**Chapter XV:** _Luis' Ingenious Gigolo Plan!_

"Now let's try this at a different position; another angle,"

Luis began to explain to everyone once they were a few minutes away from the castle."Hmp! Why shouldn't we just slash his guts out?! What other angle can you see from just a frontal attack?" Krauser was still a bit sore of Leon, and pissed off at Luis.

"That's useless; no matter how many explosive we have, or superior fighting skills, it won't work. Isn't that correct guys?" He was speaking to Pooh and Mendel. "Yeah, he's freaking indestructible! But he does have one weakness," Mendel provided.

"What might that be, besides the fact he's height-challenged?" Ada asked. A giant OH! Sign popped above Leon's head, which promptly fell onto his skull. "I get it! It's his hat isn't it? He looks like he likes hats!" Krauser gave the dumb blonde a thumbs up sign for his excellent logician skills.

"NO, it's his dad Leon. Not his hat okay," Pooh told him patiently.

"Oh." The man said simply. "But what can we do with this information?"

"Metro PCS is the answer to everything!" Luis said happily. "Now I will require the phone, Leon, and I to be stationed down stairs as everyone carefully raids his bedroom, exactly like last time but the only difference is—"

"You want me to…What the hell are you planning Luis Sera?" Mendel said warily.

"Exactly. Now let's get this show on the road."

* * *

_8:40 p.m.—are you ready for this?_

_///Luis Sera is a complete $$hole.///_ Mendel's thought was true because he was basically thrown to the wolf in this plan. Everyone wasn't going to really raid the room. In actuality, Mendel was the gigolo for Salazar tonight; everyone else was just friendly guards hidden in the shadows. They even decided to dress him up attractively.

"There! You look like Usher mixed with Brad Pitt! Or John Malchovich," Luis looked at his work proudly since he designed him the most. Mendel checked himself out. His shirt was casted aside, leaving only his over coat (he obviously works out) and Ada mysteriously had an anime wig on her (I wonder why) which was silky black with golden bangs and golden ends.

Krauser (don't ask) provided the man with mood-changing contact lenses. "Oh come on! You guys look at me funny with lenses, but nobody said: 'Hey Ada where'd you pull that wig from?' Jeez!" He finished with a smirk because he knew that was plausible. Except he forgot how truly _**BIG**_ her breasts are.

"Are you ready to save the entire island from peril?" Leon asked his friend.

"That should have been my line!" Mendel growled back, his eyes turning a murky red.

_**:DDDDDDD:**_

At the same time as the last chapter (8:37), Saddler called again. This time Leon answered and set it on speaker mode. For some unforeseen miracle, he had the uncanny ability to mimic voices perfectly. (He used to be a damn JROTC hoe).

Leon: *_as Mendel_* Good evening boss! How are you?

Saddler: Terrifically horrible. Are you about to start that ridiculous show my son started?

Leon: Yes sir! He's right on the couch eating chips!

Saddler: Let me talk to him.

Leon: *_as Salazar_* Hi Da-da! We are about to start soon. I like killing! :3

Saddler: I can see your face through the phone, don't do that!

Leon: *_with an attitude_* Well I love you too!

Saddler: You best be getting' off the phone before I reach through and whup yo ass!

Leon: *_as Mendel_* I'm back boss. Gotta love kids, huh?

Saddler: Whatever. I'm just using this to test out a new parasite on his subjects. Did he give it to everyone like I asked?

Leon: Well... I mean, yes sir. But what are the symptoms?

Saddler: That's right, I never told you. Give you the Crazies, loss of memory, rapist strength, and in the extreme stages, you develop red eyes!

Leon: Wh-Where is the antidote? Just in case we might need it.

Saddler: Oh yeah… Salazar put it somewhere. Listen I gotta go—Mardi Gras' starting!

Leon: Yeah. Good evening sir. *_click_*

"_**OMG**_! Leon had all of those symptoms said just now! You must find out where Salazar hid the cure!" Now Mendel really didn't have a way out of Luis' set up. "Of course I will," he forced out of his mouth.

"Get ready. This is Phase 1 of Mendel Hispanic-o: Male Gigolo!"

"Not cool dude," Pooh nodded along with Krauser's comment."

?!?: Luis is a complete genius!!!

Luis: Why thank you! I worked hard on it!

Mendel: Says you! *_Pout_*

Leon: Wow. You do look different though.

Mendel: Really?

Ada: You look kinda gangsta!

Salazar: Like a sexy Hispanic gangsta! **WHOOO! TAKE IT **_**OFF!**_

Everyone except Luis: _**… **_

Luis: Oh yeah; I are the greatest man alive! :3

Obama: *_in the bed sleepily_* Be quiet retarts! I'm sleep! Damn! *_rolls over_* And don't make that face!

Spawn: *_rolls over with him_* Yeah!


	16. Chapter XVI: Night of our Lives

?: Nearing the end you guys, are you _**READY!**_

Everyone (except Mendel): _**YEAH!**_

?: What's wrong Mendel? You're like a total babe now!

Mendel: I know; it's just this plan thing seems kinda awkward, I don't even know what a gigolo is!

Luis: *_all smart looking with some glasses_* My dear William—

Mendel: That's not my name!

Luis: *_not paying attention_* A gigolo is like Ada—

Ada: What? Listen, Sera! I'll have you know—

Luis: *_still not paying attention_* Except you get paid! *_shuts an upside-down Curios George book_*

Spawn: *_thinks_* Well that makes sense. So you're a prostitute!

Leon: Oh my god. *_face-palms_*

Spawn: Oh cool, I wanna be a gigolo! :3

Obama: A waste of tax payers' money!

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDX

**Chapter XV:** _The Night of Our Lives _

Well the plan was ready to be put to the test! And the 'Retart Rejects' headed to the castle once more to settle the score with Salazar and all of the pain he put them through. _/// But he did bring us all together!///_ Pooh thought inside of his head happily. _///Even if Tigger isn't here…///_. "Hey Hunter; you alright over there?" Ada was near the back and watched as his inner thoughts slowed him down.

"Just remembering old times is all. Please call me Pooh; that's always been my original name." Ada's eyes opened wide. "You're Pooh, the Lost Love of _the_ **Tigger the Terrible**?" She said in astonishment. "Huh? Where do you know Tigger from?" Pooh's eyes lit up. She nodded earnestly. "Why, he' rampaged through many a village to find the one who betrayed his family. They always said the real reason was because someone took the life of his love, Winnie the Pooh," they both stopped walking.

"Pooh, he's down in the cellar. Part of Salazar's side show was to show the 3-day/night thing on the surface, and underground have another illegal match to the death between captives in exchange for their freedom! He was captured here not long ago, but wanted to end his life," She shook his shoulders. "We have to go back and rescue him! Despite his anger, he's a good man! Only you could give him the will to live again!" Pooh stood there shocked.

_///Tigger is alive! Move your feet you idiot!///_

"Take me to him," Pooh said with a straight face. "This way," Ada veered him to the right by his paw urgently. Don't ask why no one else didn't notice they were gone. But as they ran, he did something he wasn't able to in a long time—smile.

He smiled.

_/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-_

_8:50 p.m._

"Umm, where did Ada and Pooh _R-U-N-N-O-F-T_ to?" Krauser whispered to Mendel. "We can spell you know!" Leon and Luis yelled simultaneously. They decided to come back later (_I personally think they were some lazies at the time_) and continued on to the mansion. Defeating Salazar comes first!

"Where are you from Krauser?" Mendel asked since it was too quiet walking next to the man. "Nowhere worth mentioning and you," The man answered mysteriously. He shot him a…look. "Err... So, how do you know Leon?" Mendel was good a changing subjects; his eyes turned a deep red. "Oh, high school. And the armed forces back in the day." He gave a little chuckle. "And he still haven't changed, bastard! Ain't that right Leon—"

They both turned around where Luis and Leon should have been.

Except they weren't... "We have to keep moving!" Krauser pulled Mendel by the waist.

?*******?

"Leon! Leon what the hell—"Leon slammed him against a tree trunk; covering his mouth with a strong hand. _"Shhh, you're sexier with your mouth shut…"_ The glowing-red eyes of the man looked over Luis (like a rapist would). Luis muffled in protest; but the weight and strength of the unfamiliar man pressed into him, and there was not an opening left for an attack. _///Of all the timing in the world, this man just had to go evil __**now**__!///_ Leon searched around the man's hips… he pulled the Red9 out of its holster.

"_Let's play a little game,"_ he suggested and released his grip Luis' mouth. "Let's not and say we did!" You can't blame Luis for trying. _"Heh, you're pretty cute. No wonder Leon loves you so much, I'm pretty jealous,"_ Luis couldn't help but ask a question. "Is that really true? That Leon loves me? And why do you talk as though you are separate from Leon?" That last question seemed to annoy the other man.

"_Yes, yes, and yes. He loves you, and I am __**not**__ Leon. I'm and advanced life form using this body as a temporary vessel. I can just read his conflicting thought is all; rather annoying really…"_ Luis 'oohed'. But why are you intent of killing me?" Luis asked. _"Because,"_ the parasite huffed. _"It's the only way my master will give me cookies! He said that is the only way!"_Luis used his thinking for a minute."Hey life form; I'll give you a mountain of cookies under one condition: leave Leon's body!" The two squared of at this deal.

"Deal, come on ese; free cookies don't come often." Luis offered.

"_Deal!"_ Life Form answered, strong-willed.

_/*-/*-/*-/*-/*-_

"Hey Pooh! We're here!"

Pooh didn't need to be told that; this secret underground place just looked like a pit of death! Warriors were fighting over burritos, others were playing a deep game of strip poker; it was horrible! Ada asked someone who looked very familiar: 'Have you seen The Terrible around'. The furry warrior nodded and pointed to the right of him, which was the way to the Coliseum of Pyro-Phantasia. "Let's hurry; he's almost about to start his campaign!"

Pooh ran along her urgently; he wouldn't let this last time to be with his love disappear. There was a set of lockers lining along a hall, the two could see at the end… the figure of their prize.

"Go get your tiger," Ada stood still. It was no one else but Tigger! Pooh ran at full speed towards his old lover, who was unsuspectingly checking himself in a full mirror. He finally wanted to die in this last battle, he thought to himself. Like now in the mirror, he would usually see visions of the little bear. _///I loved him so much…///_ It was times like these he would cry, if he could. He wanted to shed one last tear, when the sweet delusion, which would have been behind him had it was real, hugged him from behind. "Tigger," it called him by his true name.

The hallucinations never touched him before. Tigger set his paws over the ones on his waist, looking wantonly into the reflection. "Pooh…" He saw Ada in the reflection, a little farther away, and he knew this was not his imagination.

It was his turn to do something he wasn't able to do in a long while—cry.

He turned to face his lover, got down on his knees, and cried.

/~~~~~/3\~~~~~\

Krauser and Mendel crept through the house, four people short. Mendel, barely ale to see because of the lenses (and it was dark) almost bumped into a wall's corner. Krauser caught him just in time. "You okay? Those contacts take time to get used to," The blonde said, holding the other man a bit too long. "Thank you, Krauser. You're really an okay guy." Mendel wondered what the hell was happening to his heart. It hadn't felt like that since Salazar gave him a mild heart attack. Krauser, we have some time left. I needed some advice," Krauser nodded.

"Anything you need, I'll do. What is Mendel?' "Well, I don't know how to seduce anyone. What if he doesn't buy this whole act," the usually calm man was beginning to get frantic. "Then you kiss him," Krauser stated as though the teacher wrote the answer to number three on the board. "But how do I—"Krauser took the role of teacher and pulled his student in an embrace. "Like this," he brushed his lips over the other's mouth. He teasingly slipped his tongue into the man's surprised mouth. What a twist of events!

"That's how you do it…" Krauser said seductively as he pulled his lips away. Still dazed, Mendel staggered away from the embrace and led the way upstairs.

**Salazar's Bedroom Door:** _The Gate to Hell!_

This mere fact (and pure anxiety) kept Krauser at the edge of the door, out of sight as his new crush walked through the door. _///I have a __**really**__ bad feeling about this…///_ He thought to himself. He was only concerned about Mendel's safety. Krauser was right to worry.

Salazar shrieked with joy as the man walked through the door. "Hey, you look different Big Cheese! Did you get a haircut?" Mendel did a mental face palm. Oh yeah, he had to seduce an idiot. "Something like that. Sal, let's talk for a minute," Mendel shut the door shut. Krauser was very unpleased.

_***Don't Stop Me NOW!***_

"Bye bye! Come back again!" Luis waved off to the alien life form Tuco who was in the process of getting a ride from his homey, Rico. "See ya later Luis! Thanks for the cookies and telling me how to get more!" Rico from above zapped him with a levitating device that allowed him onto the floating ship. Luis continued to wave as the far advanced, red-tinted alien rose to the air craft, like a graceful angel. And then the two were off, their million tear mission complete.

Luis was holding Leon in his arms; he was temporarily knocked unconscious earlier once Tuco had left his body. "Hey," Luis said as he shook the blonde gently. "Wakey wakey, my sexy ese!" Leon gradually opened his eyes. "Mmmh... What did I fall asleep again Luis?" The tan man held him tighter, running a finger along his chin. "Yeah, you did. I'll tell you all about it later, 'cuz right now we have to get to Salazar!" Leon hopped to his feet.

"Then why the hell are we lying around? Let's go!" Leon started a steady sprint.

Luis chuckled as he got to his feet; he was glad he stashed away those Lance cookies.

He was even happier that was all it took to live.

And even more ecstatic that Leon loved him.

"_Wait up jefe!"_Luis called after the army man.

_9:15 p.m._

"I needed to talk to you in private." Mendel really didn't want to go through with this; but he had to save Leon and everyone else. "What's so important besides pudding skin that you need to talk to me in private about?" Salazar questioned with a creepy smile on his face. "Hmmm, maybe I'll listen if you… take your jacket off. Have you been working out?" The tall man just really that he really has been sexually harassed before, he just never paid attention.

"Okay…" He obliged near tears and began to take his cool clothes off of his limp body, his lenses changing bluish-gray.

And then a—_**OBJECTING**_ foot rammed in the door!

"Oh I don't think so betch!" The owner of the foot howled.

Krauser.

"What are you—" Mendel was about to yell at the cocky man. But then another interruption took place. It was from the window behind Salazar. It was Kristallnacht all over again!

Tigger arose from the shards of shattered glass.

"Still causing trouble I see. What have you been up to Salazar?" He asked in a cold, calculating voice. He adjusted a golden revolver at his hp, swiftly to his right hand. "I thought you off to get yourself killed Terrible!" The short man exclaimed. Tigger rubbed the scar along his nose. "And you thought I wasn't going to find out…_**You had Pooh on this island above me for all of this time,**_" His voice changed to a deep growl.

"Well you see what had happened was…" Salazar tried to begin an excuse. Pooh and Ada made it through the door, tired from running to catch up with Tigger. "Don't kill him yet," Pooh urged as he went towards Tigger. After he heard about a sentence of the story, he kissed Pooh goodbye and set after to kill Salazar. "We must find out the antidote; the friend who helped me along the way is poisoned!" Pooh put an arm around Tigger's outstretched arm, lowering the gun.

"I'll give you five minutes to show us the antidote," Tigger stated.

"Okay, okay! Mendel, aren't you gonna protect me?" His eyes wavered to the tall man. "Hmp! So now you know my real name? I don't think so, Salazar," Mendel felt alive at telling this to someone he once served hand and foot to. Tigger pointed the gun again, demanding that he should get moving.

The seven of them moved out of the room, down the stairs and into the dining room.

The last burst of _**OBJECTION**_ came from the mansion door.

Leon and Luis.

Everyone turned to look at the two. "You all look as though you've never seen a white man before," Leon joked. "One of you is supposed to be dead!" Salazar screamed in an outrage. "Since there's no need for a antidote, what should we do with this little man?" Luis asked the shocked faces. "I'm completely cured! It was all because of Luis!" Leon assured everyone.

"But how the hell did you find the cure?"Salazar glared at Luis. "I should have murdered you when I had the chance!" Luis laughed this off.

"I didn't find a cure; I had the antidote the entire time: Cookies." Luis snickered.


End file.
